Chapter 9

She was trapped, there was no other way of looking at it she decided.  Pregnant just one month after Mason's birth with her fourth child.  She had cried when she told Trevor, and he hadn't even cared.

She begged him for some help with the kids, and he told her this was her job, his children wouldn't be raised by anyone but their mother.  She tried to explain that she never had time for herself, for her painting and sculpting.  He told her to grow up, they were just hobbies.

She thought about leaving him, but he was a good father to his children, and she couldn't imagine taking them away from him, besides leaving wouldn't help her any, not now.  She tried to resign herself to the life she had chosen, but depression overwhelmed her as the baby grew in her stomach.  She cried as she changed diapers, cried as she did laundry, cried before she went to sleep.  This wasn't what she wanted, she never signed on to be a baby factory!

She felt 40, she was barely 21 years old, legally just now able to go to a bar and have a drink, and she felt she had lived decades more already.  Her body was tired, tired of carrying babies in it and on it, tired of hurting, and this one hurt like none of the others had, her hips hurt, her back hurt, her ribs hurt where he or she kept kicking.  She wanted this baby out of her.  She wondered if she even had it in her to love another child, another mouth to feed, butt to change, screams to wake up to, another drain on an already exhausted body.

Twins, there had been twins, she named them Malachi and Michael, Michael never took his first breath.  It was no wonder she hurt so much, she had twice the baby in the same size room.  If he had let her visit the doctor maybe it would have been different, but it wasn't, they buried their baby next to his grandmother.  She had never felt such pain in her life as she did standing by his grave, the guilt of not loving him or wanting him ate at her.

The birth had been fairly smooth, Malachi came first, after only a couple of pushes he gushed into the world, Michael slid out behind him just 3 minutes later, a momentarily happy surprise, the happy shattered as they tried to get him to breath, and minutes later devastation had replaced any joy they had felt as they realized he never would.

 She held Malachi extra close the next months, somehow hoping to make up for the loss of his brother, her son.  Trevor became distant after Michael's death, pouring himself into work, staying away late, leaving most mornings before she had even gotten up.  She wasn't sure what was eating at him, but she wondered if maybe he blamed himself or even worse, blamed her.

She wasn't even sure how to go on from there, there was only one way, a day at a time.  She focused on her children, what more was there to focus on, and maybe that was what Trevor was doing as well, focusing on his work to forget the pain. She was relieved he left her alone, relieved he wasn't demanding husband rights, or even worse another child, that would be more then she could bear right then she thought.



* For those familiar with the challenge rules, the death of the twin, was merely story related, there was not 2 babies born, it was pure creative license on my part*